Model Poem to- Robert Frost's "Medning Wall"

Mending Choices

Something out there that doesn't like choices

That sends a chill up my spine

And spills under all my feelings,

And makes gaps in my mind.

The pain of one is so great;

Something I must change.

When they have gotten out of hand,

Trying to hide it from others,

Just to be able to please them all.

To hide the things they won't accept,

But a time will come to mend everything.

I let no one beyond my hill;

And on a day to confront it all

And seek light again.

I keep up my wall and keep moving on.

To each will not accept,

To some are painful, and to others funny

I need to wish to make it all go away:

To not have to run just to turn and scream.

I wear my heart on my sleeve.

It's just another unfair game,

Pushed from side to side:

Not knowing where I can turn;

All their trust does not mix with my own.

All my trust spills out slowly

And eats away at my feelings,

My mind can only say, "Good choices make good people."

Winter is here and so is my sweatshirt

If I could only change one thing:

"Why do good choices make good people?"

Where there were cuts, there are now scars.

Before I made a choice

And decided not to go back,

And thought of who I was hurting.

Something there that doesn't like choices,

That wants to stop, but can't find a way,

But uas no choice for I know

It is for myself and no one else,

"Bring nothing to that gentle wrist," it says

In my hand I grab the knife,

I raise it to my wrist,

And not for anyone but myself,

I dropped the knife and made a vow.

And like my inner voice had said,

"Good choices make good people."

[2007]

2007 I took a creative writing class because writing was always a comfort to me. I always had a way with putting my words and thoughts to paper. It was a moment I tried to ask for help, not so outwardly, but I put it out there. The need to have my silent screams answered, but not wanting to worry loved ones was a battle in my brain. It was a moment when I could control what hurt. I could replace the hurt from others and control it for myself. It was a time of blurred lines. It was a time of my weakest mental health. "She's always smiling and laughing so nothing is wrong." But it is sometimes those who look the happiest and hide the darkest parts of them; their hardest struggles.

I wish I could say that I've kept that promise through all these years, but that would be a lie. The urge to control the pain, my disappointments with myself, my self doubts; it'll always be there. I've seeked help. It has made a difference; although that little voice will always be there, wanting me to control what I know I can. Although it's been a good 5 years, the thought still creeps in occasionally to remind me of the things of the past and the unhealthy coping mechanism I had.

As the years go on, I've realized how much of a support system I truly do have. Being able to lean on those close to me has been a saving grace. The pains hurt less. There are as many sunny days as there are cloudy.

My advice...

Don't give up. Don't give up on yourself, on what you love, on who you love. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt. You are stronger than your inner thoughts. You are stronger than those bringing you down. Ask for help. Help isn't for the weak, it's for the strong. Never give and up never look back. The past is meant to be just that, the past.

-A